I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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