Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
