I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
