if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
