hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
