I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
