Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
