There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
