Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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