I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
