sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
