theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
