I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
