she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want to have your abortion
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
