Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it penis luge time yet?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
