Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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