Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
