Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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