Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
