Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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