Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
