You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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