finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
