I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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