wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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