You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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