dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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