Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
