dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
