Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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