yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
