I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
