Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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