She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
