I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
