I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
