We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
