I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
