Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
