Will you blow on my dice?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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