that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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