After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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