this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
