im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
