the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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