Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
