The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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