So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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