im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My dick has a subreddit
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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