I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I want to fling myself into the sun
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
