he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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