Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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